Hitting the lazy button

Aided by social communication tools, are we becoming lazy communicators with lazy friendships?

Yesterday I posed this question on Twitter: do you ever feel that your use of social media is resulting in more, but SHALLOWER relationships? Even perhaps making long-term friendships shallower? A few people responded with a hearty AMEN and few people said NO WAY. How about you?

It’s not “social media’s fault”; the word choice of “your use of social media” was very intentional. The tools are what we make of them, just like the tools that came before. And you know I love them as much as the next addict enthusiast. Through them, I have met all of you amazing people and I don’t take that for granted.

Here’s the thing, though, peeps. We must not lose sight of the fact that these *newfangled* communication tools will only take us so far in our relationships. They are better, IMHO, for forging new relationships – making initial connections – than at strengthening existing relationships. At least personal, individual relationships. Brand relationships, different story for a different day. I’m talking about human to human connection here. Mano a mano…Hermano a hermano.

A couple of examples. Last week, I had surgery. A close friend promised me a phone call to see how I was doing. Now, like many of you, I am not a huge fan of the telephone. Except, perhaps, with her and a couple of other *old* friends. Well the phone call instead became a comment on my Facebook. Seriously? ITS. NOT. THE. SAME. Not everything in life can be accomplished with a tweet or a Facebook comment. And sadly, I’m sure I’ve done this, too. In fact, I know I’ve done it. Yesterday. A close relative posted something on her Facebook about having a bad week and being in a wheelchair. Wheelchair? Really? I’ve owed her a phone call for months, but did I do it? Nah. Instead, reply to Facebook post: “Dude what up?” Man, that’s some deep stuff right there…I’m sure THAT will make her feel better and show her that I care.

I’m not saying that social communication tools can’t be used in a way that deepens relationships. Often, they can. But I am suggesting that our tendency oftentimes has been to take the lazy way out, using them as a poor substitute for communication that really needs to be happening in a deeper way, one that actually requires a little effort.

Your turn. Agree or disagree? See yourself in this post at all? Or are we all just a bunch of dynamic rock stars using social media beautifully to change the world one deep meaningful relationship at a time?

  • addy_dren

    Sue,

    I am not sure whether you remember how we “met.” It was 2-3 years ago and I was writing an article about societal disconnect and social media. Linky link: http://marquettejournal.org/blog/2009/10/issues/october-2009/social-media-healthy-balance/ Back then we had a very interesting conversation on Twitter.

    Yes, different platforms make life easier, especially for me since many of my close friends and my entire family live across the pond. However, I believe we sacrifice depth for breadth and at the end of the day, we just use the easiest channel to show we care, but more often than not it’s not caring, it’s stalking and showing that we supposedly care. The reality is that at any given point we can maintain only 150 real connections in our lives (Dunbar’s number), that’s how our brain operates. Although our society and technology have evolved exponentially in the past several millennia, our brains haven’t adapted. So today, we try to stay in touch with everyone and his grandma and waste time that we can use for the relationships that actually matter.

    I am not saying that we shouldn’t meet new people (and social networks, especially Twitter and blogs are great for that), but we should find a balance between depth and breadth.

  • suespaight

    @addy_dren Perfect, Addy. Sacrificing depth for breadth nails it…and with science to back it up. Only you would have that at your fingertips : ) So, how to balance depth and breadth becomes the challenge.

    Related, maybe we need a new measurement tool to replace Klout and measure DEPTH of relationships rather than encouraging shallowness : )

    Thanks for your awesomeness.

  • deziner

    Social media has tipped the scales in terms of what is valued it seems – quantity vs. quality – when it comes to relationships. It will be interesting to see how this will shape human’s innate expectations moving forward. Will the “Dude, what’s up” from 20 people actually begin to fill the need of the phone call from one friend in the future? I fear it may, but the cost to that isn’t really being paid attention to.

  • suespaight

    @deziner Well said, Cindi. More isn’t necessarily better, in relationships as in design : ) When the quantity becomes addicting, as it does, it becomes harder and harder to pay attention to the quality. One has to buck the trend to do so. And yes, there’s the bigger question of it affects individuals in this manner, how does it affect the whole. Kinda scary to think about…

  • jregan

    Very thought provoking post, Sue. Maybe it just boils down to using the right medium for the message – we’re used to discussing that in the context of marketing and general business interactions, perhaps it just needs to be applied to our personal interactions as well.

    Somewhat related anecdote: last summer, my wife – who’s not that big on social media – and I were leaving a bike event in our neighborhood where we had been talking to people who I more or less met on Twitter. There were a few who I met IRL for the first time that day, too. I said to her “You probably think it’s weird that I’m meeting these people who I only know through Twitter.

    Her response: “I would think it was weird if you *didn’t* meet them.”

  • suespaight

    @jregan Great add, Joe, thank you. You made me think harder…yes, the right medium for the right message in the right way…easy to say, tough to do. Do we apply different standards or expectations to people we MET through social media and started relationships with – we EXPECT much of that contact to happen online and extend offline sometimes – than those relationships that we started offline? I think perhaps we do.

    Say bootyp sends me a text before my surgery – which she did – and a very lovely one at that – this does not tweak me out in the slightest. But if my friend I’ve known since high school sends me a text, I might think that’s pretty lame. (*raises hand* guilty as charged)

    After surgery, though, when I’m really hurting, more than a text or a tweet or a DM would be so extremely helpful and appreciated. So, it becomes the CONTEXT discussion again. Tools like Twitter and texting don’t necessarily *encourage* us to stop and consider the context of the situation and whether we are responding in an OPTIMAL way. THAT we have to stop and do for ourselves, not just become a bunch of robots that want the communication checked off the list so we can move on to the next person. Sometimes, it feels like that’s what we are letting ourselves become…

  • MarinaSF

    Totally agree with you. Technology/Social Media has made us very lazy. Its so easy to leave a comment on someone’s FB wall, send a quick email to say hello, or reply to a tweet, but its just not the same. It doesn’t provide the same warmth or “wow, this person really cares” feeling as when someone calls or writes you a hand-written note.

    My wife and I are both in B2B sales, and are on the phone a lot during the day speaking to prospects and clients. But as soon as I get off work, and if a friend calls me, I am guilty of letting voicemail pick up. Maybe I do this because I’m tired of being on the phone all day, but I think its something deeper.

    With Social media/email you can multitask. I can sit at home, maybe start cooking dinner, while watching TV, playing Words with Friends and maybe leave a few quick messages on friends’ FB walls at the same time. If someone calls me, then I have to pause my life (turn off the stove, mute the TV, stopping playing a game, etc). It is just inconvenient as the receiver of the call. Phone calls force you to pay attention to the listener.

  • suespaight

    @MarinaSF Thank you – all very true – and highlights the whole point – paying attention to the listener : ) I can relate 100% to what you are saying about multitasking but if we are always multitasking, we are doing multiple things halfway instead of giving anything 100%. What message, for example, am I sending my son if I am splitting my attention between watching a documentary about Venus with him and Twitter, as I did last night? The wrong one. The night before, I focused solely on watching a documentary about Mars with him (uh, I just had surgery, we don’t normally watch TV every night) and it was a much, MUCH more satisfying experience for both of us. I would say try to embrace the fact that the phone call forces you to pay FULL ATTENTION. That is a GOOD thing. Do you agree?

  • Susanspaight

    Note, comments are not currently showing up here on this post, as I just switched commenting systems. They’ll be back.