It’s harder to receive than to give

Yesterday, Christmas Eve, I went to a yoga class at Yama Yoga Studio. One of the highlights (aside from the giant F-bomb that my dear friend Katie Klein dropped in the middle of class, making me laugh hysterically mid-pose) was a reading the fabulous teacher/studio owner Marietta gave on the topic of Receiving. I started thinking about how it’s harder (for me, at least) to receive than to give, when it seems like it “should” be the other way around. A Google search on that thought turned up an article from Martha Beck, Why It’s Harder to Receive Than to Give.

The juiciest tidbit: “The secret is this: no matter what happens, keep your heart open.”

This, my friends, is hard. Extremely hard. Painfully hard. The world, obviously, is not an easy place. So many bad things happen to good people every day that it can be very overwhelming and make it tempting to shut everything out, keep “putting it out there” without necessarily taking the time to take it back in. Even as I left yoga class, and Marietta so warmly offered me a Merry Christmas, I was busy packing my bag, messing with my phone, thinking about what I had to do when I got home. The ability to be in the moment and receive left as quickly as it came and as a result I gave a halfhearted Merry Christmas in return. Weak receiving leads to weak giving, which is part of the problem with it. It also leads to a chronic, vague sense of dissatisfaction.

So, going forward, I’m trying to get better at receiving. To, when someone says “you’re awesome” stop and believe it for just a second instead of dismissing it. To really soak it in like a big fat sponge of all the goodness in life. Yes, I said be a big fat sponge; there is nothing “wrong” with that, as long as you are giving, too.

Of course, it must be said that there are some people who have such strong spirits and are such powerful givers that it is next to impossible to not receive from them. One of these is the aforementioned Katie. Another, Sara Santiago, literally makes me overflow with emotion pretty much every time I see her. The goal is to react that way more often, with more people, whether it’s laughter, tears, whatever.

What’s harder for you? Receiving or giving?

  • http://savvyworkinggal.blogspot.com Savvy Working Gal

    Great post. It reminds me of a conversation I had with a wise co-worker early in my career. She had complimented the outfit I was wearing and I responded by telling her all the things wrong with it; it’s old, was purchased off a clearance rack, doesn’t fit right, etc. To which she said, “When someone gives you a compliment you should accept it and say thank you instead of dismissing it.” I have thought of this many times over the years as I bite my tongue and force myself to say “Thank You.”

    • http://www.spaighttalk.com Sue Spaight

      Dear Savvy Working Gal, I’m trying to find your name on your blog and can’t find it in your profile : ) But thank you for reading, commenting and following me on Twitter, it’s great to “meet” you. Yes, difficulty accepting compliments is definitely one sign that you have a hard time receiving in general. Hopefully you can get beyond “biting your tongue” and “forcing yourself” and get to the point where you actually FEEL the compliments. : )

      Have a peaceful 2011.

      Sue

  • Katie

    This post made me stop dead in my desk chair, and think. It’s very rare that I will receive – and I mean GENUINELY – receive a compliment or accolade when given to me. I will be polite and say thank you, but I will rarely accept it, because I honestly feel that I am not worthy. I’ve grown up as a giver. My heart is big. I give until I can not give anymore, and then I give some more. I give without the expectation of getting anything in return. I’ve trained my brain to realize that not everyone is like me, and this self-imposed barricade prevents me from receiving. In 2011, I will work on trying to let that wall down and receive more. It will be one hell of a struggle.

    • http://www.spaighttalk.com Sue Spaight

      Katie, I’m glad this was of value. You heard the reading from Marietta on Friday; let’s ask her for a copy tomorrow when we see her. I totally agree with your assessment, you are powerful giver with a H U G E heart. And in some ways, your abundant giving makes it harder to focus on receiving. But, my dear, like yoga it’s all about BALANCE, right? At some point I hope you will accept how hugely worthy YOU are as well. I’ve got the same wall (a girl gets burned enough times, it’s sort of inevitable, no?) so we can check in with each other from time to time on how the wall-destruction is going. There are lots of valid reasons to build up the wall but life is too short to live that way IMHO.

      Much love. Sue

  • Steve

    Great post Sue! I sing with the choir at church and periodically lead the singing as the cantor as well. I get a lot of compliments on my voice and usually respond with something to the effect of “Thanks, but I get a lot of help…I just open my mouth and He does the rest”. I’ve been thinking of changing that to “Thank you. I have been blessed with a good voice and I’m glad I was able to share it with you today”. I’m not sure either of these responses really lets me receive the compliments. I’ll have to think about this some more. I appreciate your thought-provoking tweets and posts. Steve

    • http://www.spaighttalk.com Sue Spaight

      Thank you so much, Steve. I think your new response sounds like you are receiving the gift and generously giving at the same time. Well done. :) I wish you a balanced and peaceful 2011. -Sue

  • http://www.c2gps.com Erica Conway

    Sue,

    This is a theme right now, I was floored by the talk Sheryl Sandberg gave at TED, one of her examples was the difference between men and women taking a compliment. Men will generally accept the accolades while women will say, “I couldn’t have done it with out the team…” etc. It’s not all esteem or worthiness, some of it is acculturation. We have to teach and MODEL being in the moment, being gracious and open receivers while giving without expectation. I have a quote by William James on my desk, I hope you all think of it as you set goals for 2011: It is easier to act your way into a new kind of thinking than think your way into a new way of acting. Otherwise known as: Fake it til you make it or Practice practice practice.

    Moving toward self-actualization one step at a time. Maslow would be honored.

    • http://www.spaighttalk.com Sue Spaight

      Brilliant add, Erica! Isn’t that video amazing? I forgot about the connection re: compliments. Absolutely some of it IS acculturation, lingering baggage from the “old days” when women weren’t “supposed” to be better, stronger, faster. “Act your way into a new kind of thinking” is perfect, too; also in other words, put on your big girl underpants and JUST DO IT. :) The modeling aspect is so important, and not just for girls. Sons model strong mothers, too. Thank you for making us dig deeper…Sue

  • http://savvyworkinggal.blogspot.com Savvy Working Gal

    Sue,
    Because I blog about my company and co-workers too often I blog anonymously. I am considering stopping that bad habit in 2011 and deleting those posts. We shall see sometimes I can’t stop myself….something happens and I have to write about it. I like your comments for 2011.